Things to make you go Ohhhhh

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'
And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
'Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won't, ' the Lord protested.
'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'
'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
'but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
'Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'

'That's not a leak,'
the Lord corrected,
'that's a tear!'
'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.

The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
The angel was impressed.
'You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.'

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left ..
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE,

MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY,

WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

AND TO SEE JUST WHO,

IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES,

OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,

A SOBER THOUGHT,

CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,

ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,

SILENT, ALONE,

CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR,

IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

THE ROOM IN DISORDER,

NOT HOW I PICTURED,

A MILITARY SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO,

OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?

CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,

THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES,

THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS,

WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,

THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE,

A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM,

EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,

LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER,

HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE,

IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT,

A TEAR TO MY EYE,

I DROPPED TO MY KNEES,

AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED,

AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

"SANTA DON'T CRY,

THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,

MY LIFE IS MY GOD,

MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,

AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,

I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

SO SILENT AND STILL,

AND WE BOTH SHIVERED,

FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE,

ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR,

SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,

WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,

IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by an Australian Peacekeeping soldier
stationed overseas.

Jeremy Clarkson is a pilock...but this is funny!

See through the window,
Look at the light,
Smell the sweet flowers,
See the sky bright,
Shed not the tears,
As you feel I have gone,
Love never leaves,
And my spirit lives on.

Talk of me often,
Your words will be heard,
I'll be by your side,
As swift as a bird,
Love life and laugh,
Together we'll be,
On the right path,
As our spirits fly free.

............and asked what bread I ate. "White" I replied.
They then preached for over an hour about the benefits of brown bread!

BLOODY HOVIS WITNESSES

When the storm inside is raging
When the night has trapped your fears
When the nightmare starts unfolding
When you cannot stem your tears.
I shall see you in your sorrow
I shall feel your deep despair
Softly fold my arms around you
Let you know that I am there.
I have passed the veil of knowledge
Leaving you with earthly gloom
Heaven floats and flows between us
Death is neither end nor doom.
In the sunshine of our memories
Spun by silver thread so fine
Lives a picture of our loving
All is saved which is divine.
Hold our love which is forever
Call me and I'm by your side
Trust the voice you hear within you
Sending love from heaven's side.

Ask My Mum How She Is

My Mum, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mum how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mum how she is,
She'll say 'I'm alright.'
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mum how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mum how she is,
'I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping.'
For God's sake Mum, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, 'You're lucky to get in here, Mum,
With all the lies you told.

Author Unknown

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river"

Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings of Disoriented Are

3. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and
Trees and .....

6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

8. Pesonality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the
Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished
to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently
on the pillow that was
addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she
opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Dad and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
Piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact
that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that
marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She
deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know
how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so
that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at
Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things
in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.