Jeremy Clarkson is a pilock...but this is funny!

See through the window,
Look at the light,
Smell the sweet flowers,
See the sky bright,
Shed not the tears,
As you feel I have gone,
Love never leaves,
And my spirit lives on.

Talk of me often,
Your words will be heard,
I'll be by your side,
As swift as a bird,
Love life and laugh,
Together we'll be,
On the right path,
As our spirits fly free.

............and asked what bread I ate. "White" I replied.
They then preached for over an hour about the benefits of brown bread!

BLOODY HOVIS WITNESSES

When the storm inside is raging
When the night has trapped your fears
When the nightmare starts unfolding
When you cannot stem your tears.
I shall see you in your sorrow
I shall feel your deep despair
Softly fold my arms around you
Let you know that I am there.
I have passed the veil of knowledge
Leaving you with earthly gloom
Heaven floats and flows between us
Death is neither end nor doom.
In the sunshine of our memories
Spun by silver thread so fine
Lives a picture of our loving
All is saved which is divine.
Hold our love which is forever
Call me and I'm by your side
Trust the voice you hear within you
Sending love from heaven's side.

Ask My Mum How She Is

My Mum, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mum how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mum how she is,
She'll say 'I'm alright.'
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mum how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mum how she is,
'I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping.'
For God's sake Mum, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, 'You're lucky to get in here, Mum,
With all the lies you told.

Author Unknown

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river"

Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings of Disoriented Are

3. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and
Trees and .....

6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

8. Pesonality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the
Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished
to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently
on the pillow that was
addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she
opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Dad and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
Piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact
that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that
marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She
deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know
how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so
that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at
Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things
in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

I still hear the songs, I still see the lights
I still feel the love, on cold wintry nights

I still share your hopes, and all of your cares
I'll even remind you, to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you, you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders, above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment, to stay in His grace
I came here before you, to help set your place

You don't have to be perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip, if you continue the climb

To my family and friends, please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you, in a new special way

I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young
woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say
that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for
your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how
you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband
and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT?)