Things to make you go Ohhhhh

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?
>
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little b*stard.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed
to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her upright.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

THEFT WARNING FOR WOMEN (please pass on)

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out.

Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick.

I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked porridge.

Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?
Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and magic knickers/tights combo from M & S.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.

My bottom was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.

I couldn't believe that my new bottom was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump.

Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was doing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity.

NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.

You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again.

Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them.

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts.
I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Stay on guard!

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"

"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"

To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

One Flaw In Women
By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

However, if there is one flaw in women, it is that they forget their worth.

1. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

2. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

9. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

10. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

11. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

12. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

17. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

18. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

19. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

20. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

21. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
_____

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8 (Yes Rebecca, I agree.)
_____

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
_____

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
_____

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
_____

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
_____

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
_____

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
_____

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Booby, is it something like, "It is more fun to give than to receive'?)
_____

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (Great advise!)
_____

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
_____

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
_____

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
_____

"My mommy loves me more than anybody.
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
_____

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
_____

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
_____

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4 (Isn't that called unconditional love?)
_____

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
_____

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7
___

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
_____

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8 (Great advise, Jessica!)
_____

And the final one --

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry."

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Think about these one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one...

NATURAL HIGHS

1. Being in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No queues at the supermarket.

5. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

6. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.

7. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

8. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

9. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)

10. A bubble bath.

11. Giggling.

12. A good conversation.

13. Finding a £20 note in your coat from last winter.

14. Running through sprinklers.

15. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

16. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

17. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

18. Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to sleep.

19. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

20. Having someone play with your hair.

21. Sweet dreams.

22. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

23. Holding hands with someone you care about.

24. Running into an old friend and realising that some things (good or bad) never change.

25. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.

26. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

27. Knowing that somebody misses you.

28. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

29. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts"

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."