Things to make you go Ohhhhh

This is a story told by a man standing in a queue in Tesco's...

I have a couple of dogs so I had bought a large bag of Winalot dry dog food in Tesco 's and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that I didn't and that I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls when the car hit me. I thought the guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow...why else would I buy dog food???

On Friday my sister had to have her dog put to sleep. He was over 15years old. Sadly I don't have a picture to post as they are all locked on my other hard drive. But I sent my sister this poem.

IF IT SHOULD BE
If it should be that I grow weak

And pain should keep me from my sleep

Then you must do what must be done

For this last battle cannot be won

You will be sad, I understand

Don't let grief then stay your hand

For this day more than all the rest

Your love for me must stand the test

We've had so many happy years

What is to come can hold no fears

You'd not want me to suffer so

The time has come, please let me go

Take me where my need they'll tend

And please stay with me 'til the end

Hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see

I know in time that you will see

The kindness that you did for me

Although my tail its last has waved

From pain and suffering I've been saved

Please do not grieve, it must be you

Who had this painful thing to do

We've been so close, we two, these years

Don't let your heart hold back its tears

A Human Resources Manager was knocked down, tragically, by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her.

"Before you get settled in" he said, "We have a little problem...you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh, I see," said the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends... past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks,and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St.Peter was waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing... which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day's end St. Peter returned."So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven". "You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell". "I choose hell."

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they

lived happily ever after in London. However, the poor lady

was not very proficient in English, but did manage to

communicate with her husband. The real problem arose

whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she

went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in

desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt

to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and

gave her the chicken legs. The next day, she needed to

get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it,

and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her

blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher

again understood, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought

her husband to the store...

(Stop, for a moment, and try to visualize what you think

she did.Then, scroll down.)

What in the world were you thinking?

Hellooooooo... ...her husband speaks English!

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well,
thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. S he was then known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Johnny fancied a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: I'll give you a £100 for sex, but the girl said NO. Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened... She said "the bastard" used coins"! Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, 'Mom, let's run through the rain,' she said. 'What?' Mom asked.

'Let's run through the rain!' She repeated.

'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated, 'Mom, let's run through the rain.'

'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said.

'No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

'This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?'

'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!''

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,' Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing. Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories... So, don't forget to make time and take opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN

SOME of you will enjoy this...

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

The Sailing Ship

What is dying?
I am standing on the sea shore.
A ship sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.
She is the object of beauty and I stand watching her
Till at last she fades into the horizon,
And someone at my side says, "She is gone!" Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all;
She is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her,
And just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.
The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her;
And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "She is gone",
There are others who are watching her coming,
And other voices take up a glad shout, "Here she comes" - and that is dying.

Charles Henry Brent